What Not to Say to Kids: Protecting Their Hearts and Your Case.
Your words have legal consequences. Learn why disparaging the other parent can be viewed as ‘Parental Alienation’ and how to shield your children from adult conflict.
Legal Review: This guide aligns with the ‘Best Interests of the Child’ test under the Children's Law Reform Act, reviewed by Deepa Tailor, Senior Family Lawyer.
Can ‘Badmouthing’ Lose Me Custody?
Yes. In Ontario, courts take a very dim view of parents who disparage their ex-partner in front of the children. This behavior violates the ‘Maximum Contact Principle’—the idea that a child should have a positive relationship with both parents. If a judge sees evidence that you are coaching the child, sharing adult legal details, or damaging the child's image of the other parent, they may find you are engaging in Parental Alienation and restrict your parenting time.
Don't Force Your Child Into These Roles
Children want to love both parents. Don't make them choose.
The Messenger
NEVER ask your child to deliver child support cheques, legal letters, or angry messages. Communicate directly with your ex via email or a parenting app.
The Spy
NEVER grill your child about the other parent’s new partner, their house, or what they ate for dinner. This makes the child feel unsafe and anxious.
The Therapist
NEVER vent your loneliness, financial fears, or anger to your child. They are not your emotional support system. Save that for a therapist or friend.
The Judge
NEVER ask “Who do you want to live with?” or tell them “The judge will let you choose.” This places an immense burden of guilt on their shoulders.
The Line Between ‘Honesty’ and ‘Alienation’
Telling the ‘truth’ isn't always a defense.
Adult Truths
You might think you are just being honest by saying, “Dad didn't pay child support so we can't buy toys.” The court sees this as weaponizing financial issues to damage the father-child bond.
Appropriate Scripts
Instead, say: “We are on a budget right now.” Keep the adult conflict strictly between adults. Judges reward parents who facilitate the other parent's relationship, even when it's difficult.
What You SHOULD Say
The “We” Statement
Even if you hate your ex, use “We.” Say: “Mom and Dad both love you very much, and we are working out a plan to make sure you see us both.”
The Schedule Assurance
Anxiety comes from the unknown. Give them a calendar. Say: “You are with Dad on Tuesdays and Mom on weekends. You will sleep in your own bed.”
Validating Feelings
If they are angry at the other parent, listen, but do not pile on. Say: “I hear that you are upset. It’s okay to feel that way,” without adding, “Yeah, your dad is a jerk.”
The “Not Your Fault” Clause
Repeat this constantly: “The divorce is an adult problem. You did nothing to cause this, and there is nothing you can do to fix it.”
Remember: Your child does not need to know the details. They need to know they are loved and safe.
Co-Parenting Communication FAQs
Do not retaliate. “Taking the high road” is your best legal strategy. Document the incidents and bring them to your lawyer. If it’s severe, we can request a court order prohibiting disparaging remarks.
Related Resources
Deepa Tailor, Senior Family Lawyer
Deepa Tailor advises parents on how to navigate the emotional minefield of divorce while protecting their legal standing and their children's well-being.
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